Appreciation and Gratitude

Your smile touched ears, body developed goose bumps, heart paused to savour the moments and mind didn't care interpreting the true words. Or you were left somewhat embarrassed too. Every word was about you – just about you – soaking your being and energizing the soul.

Showers of genuine appreciation and gratitude! When did you last experience them?

When The Stream Dries Up

As we go about our day, our actions and behaviour impact the world around us. When the impact is not to the liking of others, it is always noticed. This is due to our strong affinity for dislikes. They spring to life instinctively at the slightest sign of uneasiness, inconvenience or unpleasant experiences and are often shown too. We don't get used to them. Remember how we are unable to get away with our mistakes, flaws or irritating-yet-harmless actions, be it at home or outside? When repeated, people quickly run out of patience and don't hesitate to give us a piece of their mind.

Now, on occasions when we do manage to showcase something good, stream of their words dries up. It produces a mere trickle - "Thank You". They quickly get used to it, start taking for granted and its recurring display generates no emotions.

The Occasional Speakers

Things are not that bad either. Others do indulge in wishing, congratulating and showering us with occasional droplets. On a personal level, we are 'entitled' to couple of special days in an year when we are pampered and made to feel special. These are our anniversaries - weddings or birthdays. In office, when we switch projects/jobs, 'farewell-speakers' grab that opportunity to explain how extra-ordinary we were, list our 'supermanic' abilities and how much we would be missed. Annual appraisal is another ritual.

Is that all? Think about it. Are we really NOT doing anything worthwhile throughout the year for persons around us?

Flipping the Coin

Flip the coin now. How about this-

When was the last time we showered someone with genuine appreciation or gratitude? Try recalling. Spend a moment about persons in our lives and what they mean to us. Think about their favours, gestures, executing daily chores for us and living up to our expectations. Or helping us in pursuit of our dreams, shouldering our load. Or inspiring and changing our lives. Or giving us memories we cherish even today. Or standing up for us in our absence. Or smiles, lighting up our mood, wink of eyes. Or giving us company and listening to our ramblings. Or simply being there. And many more.

Why do WE forget them? Why do WE wait for special days or even for them to leave us before we realize their worth?

Even our own indulgence in appreciation remains occasional. Our unawareness - "It never occurred to me" - is a big reason as we too take others for granted. Some of us actually feel embarrassed expressing gratitude (too formal) while others have "They know it" attitude. Sometimes, we may lack the courage as it would require acknowledging our own shortcomings. Worse is the case when we look for "What is in it for me?" and nourish "Mentality of Scarcity".

The Walk Beyond Regret

In many simple every day scenarios, we actually get to choose between an expression of regret-and-gratitude or just regret. Sadly, all of us choose to express mere regret and then stop just there. One such recurring scenario is-

What do we say on being late for an appointment? A "Sorry" or "I'm sorry for being late" or its numerous variants? They all express just our regret and miss something very basic. They do not appreciate the generosity of the person who waited for us. We never go on to add, "...and THANK YOU for waiting for me". How unfortunate that we feel lighter just by shedding our regret and fail to appreciate others' generosity.

Color the Lives

People rightly believe that their presence and actions make difference to our lives. When we express gratitude, it validates and reinforces that belief. It strengthens our bond, brings a sense of fulfillment, joy and freedom. By taking others for granted, we are being insensitive and unkind to them. The least we can do is express gratitude.

Let us not wait for an occasion to celebrate their presence. Rather create one to surprise them, embarrass them, overwhelm them and share their goodness stories with others. Color their lives. Make them feel special. Make them glow. Don’t just be farewell speakers.

People don't remember what you said. However, they do remember how you made them feel. - Maya Angelou  

Ability to 'Let Go'

Long ago, a mighty capable lion ruled a forest. He would leap hard, chase down animals and relish fresh kill. One day he fell into a trap and was bundled away. Tied to a post in zoo, he would still leap hard but couldn't move beyond tether end. It had curbed his free movement, restricted fresh kill and crushed the spirits. His unawareness of the tether and inability to cut it weakened him mentally and physically leading to his eventual decline. 

For us humans, the tether is our frequent indulgence in stressful thoughts relating to everyday experiences that sap our energy, time and peace. If we don't let them go, this recurring chatter creates a false sense of busyness, stagnation and stress. Stagnant thoughts turn us into an irritating giant suffocating us and others around.

Dawn to Dusk - The Flood

Flashing with incredible randomness and speed, flood of thoughts never abates.

Reality strikes with the sound of morning alarm. As we rub sleep out of eyes, mind starts scurrying through our universe leaving behind a slush of anticipation, reluctance, joy, anxiety or similar thoughts. Before we even kiss the warmth of our morning tea, storm has already started brewing in our cup. 

Day arrives and we again hop-on its roller coaster to ride through the same park, experiences and people creating even more thoughts. At dusk, consumed by resultant feelings, grudges, fears or worries that hold no value in the long run, we finally hop-off to sleep in the stillness of night. 

The Drought 

Like breathing, thoughts are natural too. The problem, however, is not their consistency but dearth of new ones. Most of them are stale yet continue to reappear. Unfortunately, positive thoughts don't follow this pattern. They honor our space and melt away fast. We don't replay them continuously as it needs a new listener every time. 

Stressful thoughts, however, have high repeat-value. They are the ones keeping us engaged most of the time. When left unchecked (often), mind rapidly amplifies them, dramatizes the context and delivers high-octane stressful performance. The listener? We rarely look out. Instead we unwittingly slip, get sucked and start identifying with their stories of victimization, worry or helplessness. Repeatedly!!

Falling into The Trap

Thoughts like "what if"(future), "should"(present) or "should have"(past), when overdone, consistently produce the result we already arrived at. 

We have expectations from everything - animate-inanimate, known-unknown, far-near, even from a newborn baby. When they don't live up to it, we can't accept it. First we build expectations by weaving future threads in present. And when future fades into past, we replay it, again in the present, as if it would produce a result to our liking. The irony here is our constant absence from the present. 

Unawareness of our impatience, fear, intolerance, excessive need to win, mistrust of others, jealousy, micro management, control and perfectionist attitude also fans thoughts that not only bog us down and create stress but also eat up our time. No wonder then we don't seem to have any time for our passions or even to discover them. 

Wriggling Out

Our recurring slip is so subtle that we can't always avoid it. Instead, how quickly we become aware of it, let go and wriggle out is what matters. Steps to help in recovery or even prevent the slip may include:

1. Take a leap into the future. Will it matter in a month/year from now? If no then what is the fuss all about. 

2. Stop blaming others always. All of us are not born only to cause you trouble. Honestly scrutinize your role. 

3. Be mindful of your indulgence in 'victimization' or 'helplessness' stories with fellow 'victims'.

4. Avoid generalizing - "I or he ALWAYS behaves like that". That's rarely true.

5. Confront the situation if possible. It is a better option than being hammered by 'helplessness thoughts' later.

6. Choose your actions. "I choose to surf net than work on my task" is different from "I should be working on my task" (while still continuing to surf).

7. Fear of forgetting tasks/points causes periodic bouts of anxiety. Unload them from mind to your smart device. 

8. When in dilemma between personal or professional friendship, stick to one else you risk losing both.
9. Practice conscious kindness. It will provide you with more reasons to be happy with yourself.

We can build this awareness with practice, identifying our triggers and looking out for them. Watch and learn from others. In college, I was fortunate to meet and learn 'let go' from Sandeep, now my close friend. Another way is to 'designate' objects - like a ring, bangle or watch etc - that may remind us of our current thoughts. 

Expectations are good until they turn into baggage. Planning is good too, not over/under-planning. We must strike a balance and, on times, even not let go e.g. when our rights or principles are at stake. 

Before the Stillness Reigns

We are fortunate to be free. Our thoughts, however, tether us to our everyday experiences - the side posts on our journey. If we don't cut it in time, we can't progress despite our hard leaps. Our awareness and ability to 'Let Go' enables us keep moving. So, serve something new and good to your mind to chew on. 

Life, or whatever is left of it, is for us to choose. 'Letting go' simply creates that space and, more importantly, the time to indulge in it. Choose, before the lights dim. And stillness reigns, FOREVER!!

Life is the sum of all your choices. - Albert Camus

Welcome greatness, it lives all around you!!

How many times in our lives shall we get to save someone's life or help a challenged person or even offer our seat to a deserving person?

The Gulf
Walking across the road, I noticed an appraoching car and hastened to cross. Soon finding myself alone on the median, I turned around. My acquaintance, who owned multiple vehicles, was still walking at a leisurely pace. Later he grinned while showering this advice with a sense of pride, "Sir, you don't have to run. The driver will slow down". I asked in return,"How do you feel if someone slows you down like this?".

The gulf between our actions and expectations could not have been more palpable.

Dredging up the Ocean

Sometimes a simple ordinary question flummoxes us. Our mind unlocks years of experiences striving to dredge up at least some semblance of an answer from its ocean of memories. Faced with the prospect of responding without conviction, we tend to resort to clarifications or definitions.

"When and what was your last selfless act of kindness?". The question drew a smile and raised eyebrows at first but left me wondering eventually. Your last selfless act of kindness! Think about it before proceeding.

"Easy enough", mind whispered before plunging into its ocean. As it waded back and forth across time, seconds were slipping into minutes with no glimpse of a 'kind' experience. Memory bubbles were bursting everywhere. The few glittering 'kind ones' that I could cling to were pricked by 'selfless' test. It was not an easy question. Though I managed to dredge up something but the intense consuming quest left a tinge of disappointment with the self.

"How about others?", I wondered, as if it would make a difference (or soothe my ego). Over the next few days, I had many of my friends embark upon their individual 'treasure' hunt. Navigating back in their oceans, they reported experiences dating back to months or even years. Some of them were interesting while others brought new perspectives. Few among us had the courage to admit bursting all. There was only one response narrating an act from previous day!! Just one!!

This, however, doesn't imply we aren't kind. We believe ourselves to be one. But then where are our bubbles?

A Case of 'Selective' Kindness
We relish being recipients of kindness or even expect it from others. Look at few of these everyday situations and our wish from a stranger:

1. In a supermarket the person ahead of you, with overflowing trolley, starts paying. You, with few items, wish he had offered you to go ahead first.
2. You are on the slip/side road waiting to enter main traffic. You wish incoming driver slows down slightly allowing you to merge in.
3. In a common area like canteen while you are waiting for an empty table, people, having finished their lunch, are chatting literally ignoring your presence. You wish they had vacated tables without your request.
4. You are in lobby when a person enters and starts the elevator. You wish he had waited for you.
5. It is raining. Everyone has umbrella but you. You wish someone offers to drop you to your car.
6. You are at the door when a person, who just crossed, releases it without looking back. You wish she/he had held it for couple of moments more.

Now how ironic it is that our own circle of kindness normally excludes strangers. In fact, sometimes we act in a way diametrically opposite to how we 'wish' others should have acted in a situation. We shall rarely act like 'that' if the other person were to be our acquaintance.

Another 'natural' filter is our perspective - relating to kindness as an act for the one really in need of help. While 'real/big' opportunities are rare, 'small' ones are all around us but go unnoticed on most occasions.

Situational vs Conscious Kindness
Though kind at heart, our kindness, however, lives in a 'dormant' state. It needs an external trigger - an event or situation - for activation. While most triggers never reach our ocean, few do manage to create ripples of thoughts. The act, however, still remains a rarity. Some of the situations might have inconvenienced or even annoyed us, and would challenge others too, but our action is mere expression of frustration. We don't feel it beyond ourselves or even hope that 'someone' will address it anyway, a case of "Diffusion of Responsibility".

Conscious kindness, on the other hand, is an already active state, self-activated. It is a way of life and works inside-out. It is an awareness of feelings, needs and emotions of living beings. And that includes self too. It helps register even the faintest of triggers but doesn't solely rely on them. How does one self-activate it?

Just let yourself slip into other person's shoes. Empathize for them and opportunities will unveil themselves. Act and then watch how bubbles form in your ocean. It is that simple. Our 'selective' and 'situational' kindness is rarely intentional or selfish. Rather it stems from our lack of active empathy - unable to promptly slip into others' shoes - and that builds unawareness.

The Beautiful Strangers
What does overwhelm you more - a kind gesture from a known person OR a stranger? Here are some of the unique situations and acts of kindness that were shared with me. You may want to think about your response in each situation before reading the act too:

1. In sweltering 40+C summer, you slow down and stop your AC car near a traffic signal. All sorts of unruly motorists and pedestrians are being frenetically directed by traffic cops. Worse, drivers in the perpendicular lane have blocked half your lane. What goes in your mind?
-The person crosses the signal, parks the car and returns with two chilled water bottles for the cops leaving them amazed with smiles.

2. We have encroached on their natural habitat. Twig and feather homes on trees are now concrete glass boxes on RCC columns. Little 'natives' do visit us once in a while. What do they want on a hot summer day?
-Check this "video clip" from the person

3. Last few weeks have been taxing you/team hard leaving everyone stressed. You feel like taking a small break. What do you do next?
-The person takes a break and gets water/coffee for the whole team.

4. A street lamppost fence is broken with a part protruding from its edge. You must maneuver your car to avoid damage. What do you do?
-The person steps out of the car, pushes the fence back inside and then moves on.

5. You spot a visually challenged man attempting to cross the road. What do you do next?
-The person doesn't just help him cross but walks him to his destination 20 minutes away.

6. You are in a mall and have shopped extensivley in a store that also provides courtesy parking coupons. What do you do?
-The person requests two coupons and uses the second one to pay for the car behind.

7. You graduated from the university and have books not commonly available.
-The person donates them to library than keeping with self or selling or giving to friends.

8. On your way to building's parking lot, you find people relaxing post dinner in the late evening breeze and chatting animatedly.
-The person dims car headlights to avoid them the glare.

Do you still think there are not enough opportunities?

Welcome greatness, it lives all around you. - Jim Rohn